Can you talk more about what selective mute is?
Q&A With Shay Each Sunday
A version of this post appeared in November, 2018.
As I have made more connections over the last year and have had more people ask me about selective mutism when they come across my mention of it, I thought I’d do a repost and update of this blog from over a year ago when I first started Q&A with Shay. I may be working in follow-ups or reposts going forward, so let me know if you’d like me to expand upon anything I have written about previously.
Q: Can you talk more about what selective mute is?
A: If you have read my personal essay “Don’t Quiet Down Please” (available for download here), as well as some of my other posts and personal stories, then you might have a bit of an idea about the struggles I face in dealing with social anxiety and shyness.
When I was seven I was diagnosed selective mute. A lot of people don’t know that this is an actual diagnosis whenever I tell them about it. It is something that goes beyond simply deciding not to talk to people. Even though the word “selective” is in the title it really doesn’t feel like a selection or decision for the person faced with this. Although they are physically able to speak, they don’t feel able, for whatever reason this was brought on by. It has been explained as a coping mechanism, which definitely makes sense. When I was younger I would only speak to my direct family members and a few close friends, depending on when I developed a level of comfort that made these situations feel safe. It may seem absurd to feel unsafe speaking to people, and this is indeed an irrational fear like any other irrational fear, but it is very much real and cannot be “reasoned” away. I triumphed over the actual selective mute diagnosis around the age of ten, but although I am able to speak to anyone now, it doesn’t usually feel possible to speak to someone I’m unfamiliar with—or at least to initate the interaction. I still feel tremendous anxiety and even, fear, with strangers or those I don’t know well. I talk myself out of conversing with people on a daily basis. I wish I knew more about why, though I’m aware of a couple probable reasons, but this is just the way I have always been. It’s definitely not fun, and I have often wished I had a different mentality or that I could have something else to struggle with instead (Ha, like that’d be easier, right?), but I have worked toward accepting this part of myself, even if it’s an up-and-down acceptance/non-acceptance at times. I even have the word “Silence” tattooed on my arm. I think most people who are shy can relate to the feeling of wanting to be known and to contribute while simultaneously wanting to disappear.
It’s especially hard when we live in a society that makes it seem as though being quiet is a bad thing, or it’s wrong, or something that parents have to apologize for about their kids, or a reason for teachers to exploit quiet students. I’m not sure when the time will come for us to embrace it the way we should be able to, or to even simply try to understand it on a deeper level. Selective mutism and shyness is also a form of being hyper-critical about one’s self. I often feel judged or like people are looking at me like I’m a freak for not talking or contributing. Perhaps sometimes they are—especially for younger shy kids because I was certainly picked on for being quiet when I was in school—but more often than not I’m sure it’s in my head.
If you’re shy and have ever struggled to this extent, believe me, you are not alone. There are a lot of books out there (Susan Cain’s Quiet is one of the most notable) about introverts accepting who they are and how they are assets in a way that extroverts can’t be, and I totally agree and think it’s great for awareness to be raised on the fact that we are not all social butterflies and some of us get overwhelmed in social settings, and that this is actually a good thing in many scenarios because we bring a different skillset to the table. However, though being shy may often be a part of being an introvert, it’s a little different than simply liking quiet and solitude and being introspective. It’s a struggle like anything else that people struggle with and I’d like for others to understand that. It’s not a black-and-white struggle that society is aware of, it’s something that many people don’t even know exists. And it does interfere with life, but everyone has something that interferes with their life because no one is perfect and we’re all facing different struggles.
Maybe some areas of my life would have been easier or vastly different if I didn’t grow up selective mute and shy and still deal with it on a daily basis, but I also think if I weren’t so extremely quiet and always listening and watching other people rather than being an avid participant, then I wouldn’t place so much importance on writing. From a young age, writing was a sort of lifeline because it was the one area I could express myself without fear of ridicule. When my speaking voice failed, my writing voice was there. Obviously the prospect of people reading my writing is a bit anxiety-producing, but it’s a language that makes sense to me and comes much more naturally than speaking.
If you have any questions about selective mutism or if you or someone you know struggles with this I’d be happy to talk about it more, so feel free to reach out. I’m not an expert by any means, but sometimes having someone who can relate brings comfort. I have never met anyone else who was or is selective mute, in fact, I’m more shy than anyone else I’ve ever known so I’d love to find others I can relate to on this topic!
