Selective Mutism Awareness
Q&A With Shay Every Other Sunday
October is Selective Mutism Awareness Month, and if you have been following along or know me personally, you know this is an important cause to me. I was selective mute when I was younger and it still affects me tremendously in my adult life; I have learned it doesn’t ever “just go away” like I often wish it would.
This week I’ll talk more about what selective mutism is, and tips for communicating (especially for teachers) with someone who is selective mute. If you’d like to read some of my past posts on the topic they can be found here: Myths and Misunderstandings About Selective Mutism, More About What Selective Mute Is, and What is Selective Mute? My article 8 Myths About Selective Mutism was also published in Elephant Journal and chosen as editor’s pick of the month.
Q: What to know about selective mutism and how to help?
A: Selective mutism is an extreme anxiety disorder, more often affecting children than adults, though adults can certainly have it too. The majority of adults that are selective mute went untreated in childhood, causing the anxiety disorder to persist. Although I don’t necessarily consider myself selective mute any longer, this is what happened to me to an extent because there was not near the information or resources out there about selective mutism that there are today—and yet still many don’t know about it or understand it today. For this reason, my school experience especially was extremely uncomfortable. I have been working on a project that has to do with this and I’m not sure if it will be a short book, essay, blog post, or all three yet, but am hoping it will reach educators and inspire them to learn more about the disorder and how to approach it in the classroom.
There is not usually anything wrong with speech, hearing, or brain activity of someone who is selective mute. They are fully capable of speech, but in certain situations (i.e. school, work, group settings) the anxiety becomes so heightened that they will freeze and become involuntarily mute or only be able to speak or communicate very minimally if they can at all.
Selective mutism is not a choice. And if you only remember one thing about it, remember that! It is much more complex than simply being shy, and when I look back on my childhood I often get annoyed that I didn’t understand my disorder—and that others didn’t—because everyone always told me I was shy (they still do) and I assumed that was the case even though I felt there was more to it. Selective mutism is more extreme than shyness, and in fact many people who are selective mute are not actually shy. A person with selective mutism is not refusing to speak, and one of the reasons people are confused about it is because the person will talk comfortably in other settings and even be loud and animated when with those they are comfortable with in a setting that feels safe.
I’ve compiled a few tips for teachers or others who may be looking to help someone they know with selective mutism, advice on how to communicate with them, or simply to learn more about it. I’m not an expert on this from a psychological standpoint, but I lived through it and continue to live through it and I wish the teachers, adults, and other kids in my life had been educated about what SM is and how to approach it. I wish I had been educated about it instead of coming to these realizations only a few years ago!
Do not put pressure on them to speak or put them on the spot. This was literally the story of my life in school and I felt so stupid every. single. time. People with SM have plenty to say, they are actually very intent listeners and observers most of the time so they absorb quite a lot of knowledge about the world. But being put on the spot in front of a group of people or even just one on one with someone they aren’t comfortable with makes it impossible to say what they wish they could. It will only leave them with the feeling of “what’s wrong with me?” This can then set back any progress.
Accept non-verbal communication and start with one-sided conversation before attempting questions. I would often nod or shake my head to communicate when I was younger, and this should be perfectly acceptable until the child starts to feel comfortable enough to engage in spoken communication. They won’t ever feel comfortable, though, if the person they are communicating with doesn’t show encouragement, patience, and acceptance. I would also often write my answers or what I wanted to communicate, but sometimes this isn’t possible for children with selective mutism either as it doesn’t only affect speech, but can affect all areas physically. I often attribute my writing skills to that always being the place where I felt comfortable expressing myself, especially when I couldn’t speak. So, gauge what type of communication a person with selective mutism is comfortable with and encourage it as they take small steps to become comfortable with spoken communication.
Don’t ask open-ended questions. Give the child a choice when asking the question instead of leaving it up to them to come up with something on their own. Selective mutism is often associated with the mind going blank when put on the spot. It might seem like a simple question to ask, “What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?” But this could cause anxiety to heighten if the person experiences their mind going blank and isn’t directed to an answer. Instead, start with questions that are yes or no or give them options to choose from: “Do you like vanilla or chocolate ice cream?”
Avoid guessing or telling them how they think or feel. Obviously this is a good practice for life in general, but often when someone doesn’t speak we like to make assumptions about why or what they might be trying to tell us. You might not fully understand what a child is trying to communicate when they use actions like pointing or shaking their head, but avoid guessing as to what they are trying to say. Instead, remember the forced choice questions, and if they do respond verbally then praise them for speaking rather than gestures, which will reinforce speaking as a positive.
Educate other kids and adults about selective mutism. Teach it in the classroom! Many children will point out that a student doesn’t speak when they notice it, but correct them by saying that the child does speak and they are working on speaking at school. Don’t bring unnecessary attention to the child with SM, though, this will only cause them further anxiety. Instead, approach the topic in a factual way so that classmates might better understand their peer with SM.
Be encouraging, give specific praise, and never reprimand or punish. If you try to force or guilt a child with SM to speak it will only ever make the condition worse. They will feel that they are failing and disappointing someone, which will heighten the anxiety that’s keeping them from speaking in the first place. If they do start to feel comfortable speaking don’t act surprised or draw attention, instead give calm specific praise to show what you liked about what they said.
Be patient. Children with selective mutism can make a lot of progress and it occurs in small steps. What might not seem like a big deal to an individual who doesn’t experience SM can be a major breakthrough for a child who does have SM. So recognize the effort they put in, how difficult it is to overcome, and keep providing support!
If you or someone you know struggles with selective mutism or severe social anxiety and you want to talk more about it, reach out through the contact page on this site!
